okay, so i’ve been putting off alot of things and i NEED to just go and do it. ive been putting off getting a gym membership…not because i dont need/want it, but because im either working, busy or to lazy to drive over and get one. i also need to go over to the school and take my assessment test for a different class i might be taking in may. the sooner i get it done the better. i need to start saving more then 50$ a week, and start working towards my move back to california. Its not that i havent been, just that i could be doing MORE. so this is me trying to be pro-active. here goes nothing.
Speak up, your silence is killing me I’ve had enough, baby speak up Are you lovin’ or hatin’ me? Cuz I can never tell I’ll be the first to admit it Been silent for a minute Thinking like damn is he feeling me We fell in love took a second But now I’m always checking Cuz I never hear you say what you really think
Some days I feel it then I feel it’s over Some days were harder then some days were colder When you open up, our love is alive But now you’re quiet and I’m dying inside
So baby speak up Cuz your silence is killing me I’ve had enough, baby speak up Are you lovin’ or hatin’ me Cuz I can never tell, I can never tell Just let your heart say what you can’t say (speak up) Let your heart say what you won’t say (speak up) Don’t let the silence tear us away Cuz I can never tell, I can never tell If you don’t speak up
I don’t know where you’ve been But nothing’s making sense, I’m standing on this fence for you And even when you’re here, somehow you disappear If I can read your mind, I’d know just what to do
Some days I feel it then I feel it’s over Some days were harder then some days were colder When you open up, our love is alive And now you’re quiet and I’m dying inside
So baby speak up Cuz your silence is killing me I’ve had enough, baby speak up Are you lovin’ or hatin’ me Cuz I can never tell, I can never tell Just let your heart say what you can’t say (speak up) Let your heart say what you won’t say (speak up) Don’t let the silence tear us away Cuz I can never tell, I can never tell Speak up
I’ll be out the door before the sun comes up Boy catch me if you can while I’m popping that clutch (Try) Try to be the one, (I) gave it all I got (I’m) Giving you your last shot (if you don’t speak up) Say all the words that you never said, oh Write all the letters that I never read, oh Show me your words or the love is dead Just want to hear it from you
First to admit it, been silent for a minute Thinking like damn is he feeling me We fell in love, took a second But you about to wreck it, Cuz I never hear you say what you really mean
Baby speak up, cuz your silence is killing me (Your silence is killin’ me) I’ve had enough, baby speak up Are you lovin’ or hatin’ me Cuz I can never tell, I can never tell Just let your heart say what you can’t say (speak up) Let your heart say what you won’t say (speak up) Don’t let the silence tear us away Cuz I can never tell, I can never tell Speak up If you don’t speak up Open up your mouth cuz baby I’m listenin’
I do feel blessed for my ethnicity and cultural backgrounds, without it all I would be a totally different person. I know this may sound weird but I do think that growing up with my dad being filipino helped me understand people of a different race (asian,russian,german,etc) and also helped me better understand those with special needs and who are mentally challenged. Growing up, my dad didn’t always have the best accent. He said words like pan, as if he were saying “fan” or party with that “f” accent. His accent and the rest of my filipino side helped me and my siblings be more patient and gave us an ear for those differences in how people talk. There really is a difference in how different types of people talk and not everyone is aware of that.///
I was baptized at the age of 8 as a catholic. I would dress up every saturday night or sunday morning and go down the street to our family church. Mass would take about 45 minutes and we would then go home. Growing up I didn’t feel connected with God or my religion. It was as if all I knew of God was that he was the Son of Mary, He could see me and my siblings all the time and know when we were bad, and that we would take communion (the body and blood of christ) at church those saturday’s and sunday’s. I don’t want to bad mouth my religion than, but I feel now that what I had wasn’t real. It was just a ritual, another “thing to do” on the “to-do list” of the week. I do think in a way it showed me how to act around others. Always polite, never rude. Smiles all around and no complaining in public. Be respectful to teachers and do as your told. It helped me know the “DOs and DON’Ts” of being in public.
I think from a very young age I became a hands on type of kid. I couldn’t really grasp a concept or understand something until I myself got to do it. The teacher could talk about it for the whole class or could write about it or show me what to do but until I did it, I didn’t learn anything new. Some teachers knew that kids had different learning abilities and different ways to grasp what was being taught but few actually acted on that. I think that was why I didn’t understand much until 5th grade. I was thee WORST in math and couldn’t do multiplication for the life of me- until fifth grade came along. Of course I felt stupid and I really didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting it like other kids were but once fifth grade came along it was like an epiphany! My teacher was amazing- like a miracle worker. She understood what I needed to learn and thats how she taught me. She made our class more specific and she helped us each in smaller groups so that we could all have the attention we needed. After that year everything changed because I had the confidence back and was successful in all areas of school. I may not have been the best but I sure did know what I was doing overall. Most people are Hands on learners and more teacher should be aware of that fact and meet the needs of all the children in their class.
Emotionally I have had a wall up basically all my life. Anyone I meet doesn’t know the real me until I gain some type of trust from them and when my wall goes down. I am a VERY outgoing person but when it comes to feelings and things about me I tend to be very shy and I will never openly tell whats going on,unless I absolutely have to. I think a part of all of this comes from the verbal abuse I got from my sister growing up. It was always the usual stuff, name calling, teasing, etc. I learned from a very young age that the only way you can protect yourself from others is by not opening up to them. This is a negative and a positive because on one hand, being so low-key you stay under the radar from the bullying and being picked on, but on the other, you miss out on alot of fun things that 8 and 9 year olds like doing. After all of the torment and STILL going through it today you have to just toughen up, ignore it all and be your own person. You can’t let all this negative stop you from living life to the fullest. I dont blame my sister for making me this way entirely but it had a part in the making of who I am today.
My personality is EXTREMELY loud, to an extent I can be called- annoying. I tend to be drawn to people who bring out that bubbly energy in myself. I have always been involved in music, dancing, or theater and so it’s where I am most comfortable. I enjoy being apart of the “center of attention” I haven’t always been fond of it though. From the age of 7 I grew into a girl with stage fright. I couldn’t stand in front of the class without being nervous. I would have so many thoughts running through my head, sweaty palms and could never get through it all without feeling my face flush! I remember while in 3rd grade we had a state project to do and I purposely DIDNT complete it, just so that I wouldn’t have to do it. I don’t know what changed that all around to now but I am thankful for that. Being shy holds you back from doing ALOT of things.
so for class i have to do my personal autobiography from the moment i was born until 9 years of age! thats whats up! SO. i decide instead of writing ALL the areas out on paper and then transferring to paper, why not just get it on the laptop instead…and better yet, why dont i just do it on here:p this is going to be interesting.
OK. so i just found the perfect place for vocational training in lakewood,CA. Everything seems to be popping up, except thinking it all over there seems to be not enough hours in the day to do it all. I am a VERY optimistic person and will find a way to do this but just thinking about it im alittle flustered. This vocational program takes 40 weeks of full time training…mon thru friday 8 hour days. I also need to work a real job making 8$ or more an hour to be able to afford a room to rent in cypress. How am i supposed to work enough to afford 475$ a month, (93$ a week) plus 100$ for utilities, and go to this school? why cant our days be 30 hours or 40 a day instead of 24:/ Now i really have to figure out timing and what to do first in order to make it work. God only knows the answers to all my problems and I have to trust Him and know everything will work out in His timing.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. — Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
It seems now that I have so many oppurtunities in front of me. Coming from every direction and its hard for me to choose just one. I got accepted into a Child Care Profession class and that is pretty exciting because that opens doors for me in the educational field, which I have thought about pretty intensely over a 12 month span, last year. I had it set, it was all my heart wanted, to be able to change peoples lives;children’s lives by teaching them, seeing kids learn and LIKE it is an amazing experience. After moving out to california last june, I felt I could go for whatever I really truly wanted and that was the one thing I have been passionate about since I was 7- MUSIC. Singing is something not everyone is capable of doing. Singing is a way to spread the message or to let others know what your feeling when you don’t have the right words for it. For me, singing was an outlet and I loved doing it…..all day, everyday of my life:) so I decided I should go for music. It was a win/win type of deal here. I would become a music teacher, get to do 2 things I loved and get to help others learn something new. Well than around mid-september I had a change in heart. I was actually scared because I had my life set on this and now I felt it wasnt right. The scariest part was not knowing WHAT I wanted to be. Everyone around me encouraged me to pray on it and trust in God, I admit I would pray and talk to him but had no change in how I felt. This stress on me of going to school and not knowing what I was going for was HORRIBLE. Then one afternoon spent with my ate, driving around to the beaches and parks, she talked to me about having faith and letting God fill my heart with what my purpose was, to be patient and in time it would come to me. My purpose actually came one night while laying in bed, thinking about everything that happened earlier that day. Early that day, while having lunch with my ate elaine, she told me of a 13 year old girl aleah, who was actually related to our family some how, who was in the hospital and not doing good. She had bone cancer for a few years and it had recently spread to her lungs. The story hit some nerve in me, idk what it was. Just thinking about this little girl, helpless, who had such little life, sitting in a hospital with doctors telling her she had a limit on her life. I have never met this girl but she brought me to tears. I knew that this was God talking to me and showing me that this is somewhere I should be. So now I will finally be starting my way into the nursing career. Cna classes start in April and go through the end of the month. I’m nervous because before this year I had never expected to be entering this type of field but also very excited! :) It seems now more than ever that my plan and future are heading in the right direction. I’m working almost full time, I will be starting school and I’m saving up so that I can make it to California by June. I really see this as a reality. It’s going to happen, I have a good vibe on this ;P The only thing that is tough is that I’ve made one of my best friends through this experience, that I would have never met if i hadn’t moved back to Wisconsin. Im thankful for her and love her dearly :) im going to miss her and it makes me sad that we have started this friendship and i’ll be leaving shortly but im not going to let that stop me from going forward with my plans to move back to cypress. <3
"Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the lord your God will be with you where ever you go." Joshua 1:9
Realization of the Day: COLIN IS MY PERSONAL DIARY! im sitting here on skype and i feel the need to write…so i say to myself okay, this notebook is going to be my new “diary” ill start right now. well in the end i actually write a note to send to colin. I trust him with all my secrets, all my fears and everything that comes to mind. He is my rock and he keeps me sane. =)
lalalalalalala SO! im new at this whole blogging thing. i dont finish sentences, i ramble alot and i dont always stay on topic but its all good :) im not perfect and my blog will show thatttt. i just wanna use this tumblr. to capture the next 6 months of my life. every up and down and battle i go through, every event that is of some importance to me or my family/friends.
Happy 6 months to me and col! :D It feels like it hasnt actually been that long, months have passed by and we’re still strong, even through all the fights and stress. I love him with all my heart- with all I have. These next 6 months will hopefully fly by quickly and ill be back in his arms! He is my main squeeze;) happy anniversary babylove.
those are all of the feelings i have felt over the last 6 months of my life…or the ones that impacted me the most. These last 6 months have been the best and the worst of my life. i lost one of the most important people in my life and right after realized where i wanted to be wasnt just a wish, it could come true and it did. i was happy and content with where life was taking me. Moving to California was the one thing that has been set in my mind for over 10 years. There is no other word to describe the feeling i get when im there…happy. i dont need the “hype” of california or anything big and fancy, or cool and “so california” i dont know what it is but it brings me peace of mind. one minute Ii was on vacation enjoying the last 2 weeks and the next i was getting ready for school and getting signed up for all my classes. It was exciting and scary all at the same time but i thanked God for everything because this was something i REALLY wanted. After it sunk it i finally realized i actually didnt know anyone and i didnt have any friends to turn to but out of the blue came a few really great people. Colin has changed my life forever and im so thankful for him. He really has been a big inspiration in my life and someone i can trust, i dont wanna be all mushy and gushy but he really is the love of my life and God brought us together at that exact time for a reason. My life has changed drastically since that day at starbucks:p it went from one extreme to another. He gave me a new sense of life. i looked at everything differently and God became my main focus, once again, just as it should be. Life was good and looking back i think i could have been more grateful. Being here right now, away from him and my family and friends, school and even just the “normal routine” hurts.the friends that came with the “colin package” were just what i needed and im so thankful for meeting them. the boys give a new meaning to life and ive never met people like them, so happy go lucky and go with the flow type guys, ready for whatever comes their way. The girls keep me sane, sam and juls are there for me in little ways but it helps so much. Being so far away from all of them is sad but i know that i have to get my shit together and ill be back there with them just like the summer. Summer of 2009 was one of the best i have had and im hoping next summer will be the same. Everyday i wake up wondering when ill get to be back in my old life, back where i love, just living and doing it the right way. Now i see God took me away from it all to show me what i needed to do in order to be there. my focus’ werent in the right places, besides with God. im learning responsibility and i have a few more months to go before i think im ready to try to get out on my own again. i know i can do it i just need to organize my life and finances and everything will turn out right, in Gods timing everything will work out and i will be where im meant to be <3